Is a little civility too hard?

What are we seeing in our world?

As a mentor and coach to communication professionals and leaders worldwide, I have been picking up on a reoccurring theme in our chats for some time. It has to do with ‘civility’. During our conversations I often hear things like: “people are so angry”, “I saw someone abuse a person in a coffee shop the other day” or “some dude was bordering on abuse when he left a comment on my LinkedIn post’” My own experiences and I am sure yours too, almost turn into a 20-page list of horrible things people say. I have a dear friend who is a well-known celebrity, and she has shared some horrid comments people leave on her Twitter posts. We are talking about hundreds of comments from people who tear her apart verbally, talking about her size, her sexuality, her talents and abilities. At times the comments are not even about the original tweet she shared.

It is not only what people say at times but also what they do. A few weeks ago, I was sitting in a coffee shop at my local market when a commotion broke out. A lady screamed at the server because she was waiting too long for her order. Another server asked her to calm down, so she punched him. Before she was done, she hurled a barrage of abuse and punched a second server. One of my friends owns a local café and she told me that customers are getting more physical and abusive in their dealings.

Take road rage for example. Sure, road rage is not new, but the growing number of physical injuries as a result of an incident are growing. A recent Australian study on road rage from Compare the Market confirms that approximately two-thirds of all Australian adults (12.7 million) have been subjected to at least one road rage incident in Australia. A 7-year study from the American Automobile Association (AAA) reported that road rage was the cause of 218 murders over this period and over 12000 motorists or passengers injured.

It is staggering what I have heard from others, but like me, I am sure you have lived experience of this growing issue and, in fact, been not so nice to others at times yourself. Personally, I have felt so deflated on a number of occasions when someone has lashed out of me on social media, I have even reduced the amount of content and opinions I share just to protect myself mentally and more than once in the last year, I have been a victim of road rage. However, I know I have been less than kind dealing with a call centre representative when I have been waiting too long or when I have seen an injustice and stepped in to try and fix it. It seems we have moved from one pandemic to another, as incivility is contagious, and cases are on the rise.

What is causing the breakdown of civility?

Several factors contribute to the breakdown of civility in society. Here are a few possible explanations:

Polarisation and tribalism: In recent years, societies worldwide have become more polarised, with people increasingly identifying with political, social, or cultural tribes. This has created an “us vs. them” mentality, in which people are less likely to engage in civil conversations with those with different views.

Social media and the internet: social media and the internet have allowed people to communicate more easily than ever before. However, these growing platforms also amplify extreme views and make it easier for people to insult, bully, or harass others without facing the consequences of their actions. It is great to have self-governing communication platforms, but without self-regulation, it’s like a virtual lion’s den.

Political and economic instability: When people feel their economic or political situation is uncertain or under threat, they may become more hostile and less civil towards others. This can be exacerbated by a sense of inequality or injustice in society. With inflation and extreme political stances, people are experiencing a lot of uncertainty right now.

Lack of empathy and understanding: To treat others with civility, it is important to have empathy and understanding for their perspectives and experiences. However, in an increasingly fast-paced and fragmented society, it can be difficult for people to take the time to listen to and understand others. The pace of what we do and how we do it means we are moving too fast to make or keep personal connections.

Decline in social institutions: Some argue that the breakdown of traditional social institutions like religion, family, and community groups has contributed to the breakdown of civility in society. These institutions often provide a sense of shared values and norms, which can help to promote civil behaviour. The expression, ‘It takes a community to raise a child’ no longer applies if fact, most people, including teachers, are too scared to impose social norms for fear of an angry parent.

Of course, other factors contribute to the breakdown of civility in society, such as the “us vs. them” mentality, extreme views, bullying, harassment, and inequality, to name a few. Think about the extreme rise of scams in today’s world; the baby boomer generation was taught to trust our institutions and organisations, and now we have organisations being built to deceive and steal, so we have a generation being taught not to trust.

Building civility back into our organisation

Civility is a hard topic to discuss without sounding all doom and gloom, but I want to provide you with hope for a little kindness in our society. Let’s start close to home and the organisations you work for. Communication professionals can play a crucial role in promoting civility within organisations. Here are five steps to a more civil workplace:

1. Lead by example: Communication professionals can model civil behaviour when interacting with colleagues, customers, and stakeholders. You can show respect and empathy, listen carefully, and avoid making assumptions or judgments.

2. Establish clear guidelines and policies: Communication professionals can work with HR and other departments to create guidelines and policies that promote civility in the workplace. This can include codes of conduct, anti-harassment, diversity and inclusion policies and guidelines for social media and other online communication channels.
3. Provide training and resources: Communication professionals can offer training and resources to employees on topics such as listening, effective communication skills and change communication. Why not offer emotional intelligence and communication training to your leaders or provide coaching on building effective relationships? This can help to improve communication and understanding within the organisation.

4. Encourage open dialogue: Communication professionals can create opportunities for open dialogue and discussion within the organisation. This can include town halls focus groups, online chats and forums and other channels for feedback and input. It is important to keep talking about and demonstrating what the organisation values. It is also important to close the gap between what you say you value and how it is demonstrated. Remember action speaks louder than words!

5. Address conflicts and issues promptly: When they arise, communication professionals can work with others within the organization to address them promptly and effectively. This can involve listening to all sides of an issue, finding common ground, and working collaboratively to find solutions. It is important not to let issues fester and build up resentment.

By taking these steps, communication professionals can help to create a culture of civility within their organisations, promoting respect, understanding, and effective communication. I love the expression, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time!” It’s so true in this case because a little kindness needs to start at home. We may not be able to fix our world today, but we can start at home and in our workplaces and eventually, it will spread back into society, because a little civility is not hard!

Here are five books on civility that may help:

1. The Decency Code: The Leader’s Path to Building Integrity and Trust by Steve Harrison & James Lukaszewski. This book it explores why best organisations develop and maintain a civil culture, valuing ethical behaviour, honesty, and integrity as much, or even more, than profitability.
2. Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct by P.M. Forni. This book provides practical advice on how to practice civility in daily life, with 25 rules for considerate conduct.
3. The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude by P.M. Forni. In this book, the author offers tips on how to deal with rude behaviour from others while maintaining one’s own sense of civility.
4. On Civility: Twenty Lessons for the 21st Century by Shelagh Rogers and Ken Dryden. This book offers insights into the importance of civility in modern society and provides practical guidance on how to practice it in one’s own life.
5. The Kindness Revolution: The Company-Wide Culture Shift That Inspires Phenomenal Customer Service by Ed Horrell. This book focuses on the importance of kindness and civility in customer service and provides examples and strategies for cultivating a culture of kindness within organisations.

 Communication resources for you:

At the Centre for Strategic Communication Excellence we can develop a bespoke communication program for your leaders or employees.

Here are some toolkits to help you plan and manage communication across your organisation.